S O U T H E R N
A U T H O R
"A Play for Power"
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Folks, we got us a "ShamWow" president
The other day, as I was walking through our den, the ubiquitous ShamWow commercial was airing on the TV. I paused and listened as a weasel looking guy named Vance - replete with a Garth Brooks-style headset and microphone - stood behind a counter, weaving and bobbing and talking faster than an administration spokesman on a Sunday News program
Old Vance was folding, unfolding and wringing liquid out of what appeared to be a miracle chamois. As he danced about, he laid it on us. "ShamWow easily removes cola, wine and pet stains; it doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess. It washes, dries, and polishes; it won't scratch any surface. It's machine washable and bleachable and it comes with a life-time, money back guarantee." The dude continued, "You all could spend up to twenty dollars a month on paper towels, but for only $19.95 you get four large and four Mini ShamWows that'll last ten years!"
I shrugged unknowingly; my wife shrugged knowingly, as if to say "Yeah, right."
The dude must have sensed our ambivalence and the fact I was about to walk away because he quickly jumped in and said, "WAIT ... that's not all! Call within the next ten minutes and we'll double the order ... that's right, for just $19.95 we'll send you eight large ShamWows and eight mini ShamWows!
I said "Wow!"
My wife said, "No, ShamWow."
Somewhat intrigued, I decided to check-out ShamWow on the Internet. I found the following report from a ShamWow user: "... no, it does not magically vacuum up spills. You can't just place it on a soaked carped and expect it to pick up all the water as the commercial seems to indicate. It works about as well as a paper towel, but no better. As a bath mat, it's no better than a regular towel. You cannot dry the ShamWow in the dryer. If you do it will be a pilled up mess and no good for anything anymore."
So the ShamWow is yet another example of how some companies believe success comes from fooling some of the people all of the time. Using hard sell, a little slight of hand and a television blitz, they make a lot of money selling us products that don't work. And, while ShamWow Vance is good at it, the late Billy Mays was better.
You remember old Billy; he always began by saying, "Hi! Billy Mays here for Orange Glo" (or some other product). The list of products hawked by Billy Mays is unbelievable! It includes: Aquapel, Awesome Auger, Ground Aug, Weed Auger and Power Extender gardening tools. Bedazzler, Bloomin' Onion Maker, Buddy Putty and Calcium Lime Rust. Currie Motors Chrysler Credit Hotline, Cucco Kitchenware, DC Snowboards, Ding King automotive dent remover, Dualsaw and Easy Off Bam! Energize energy supplement, EngraveIt, FixIt car scratch remover, FoneFree wireless cellphone headset and FreeFone wireless phone holder. Gator Grip, Gem It, Gopher reach extending tool, Handy Switch, Hercules Hook wall hangers, House Dust and the Kaboom! cleaning product. Lint-B-Gone lint brush, Liquid Diamond car waxing product, Mantis Roto-Tiller, Micro-Men Duster, Mighty Mend It, Mighty Putty and Mighty Shine. Never-Scrub tile cleaner, Orange Clean, Orange Glo, and OxiClean. Quik Strip wire stripping tool, Samurai Shark knife sharpener, Sealtite Tire Sealant, Simoniz Fix It Scratch Remover and Steam Buddy. Swiffer SweeperVac, Turbo Tiger vacuum cleaner, Turbo Vac vacuum cleaner, Vidalia Chop-it, Vidalia Slice-it, Vidalia Slice Wizard and Zorbeez absorbent towels. You get the idea. Mays' list of products is longer than the pent-up list of social programs proposed by the dumbocrats!
One thing that old Billy and Vance had in common is that all their TV ads pounded home an over-reaching sales message using a decades-old process: 1) Define the problem, 2) Offer the benefits/solution, 3) Create anxiety, 4) Attempt to close, 5) When that doesn't work, inject a dose of fear and try an alternate close.
Folks, that's how Barack Obama got elected. That's also how he's trying to govern. Harp on the problem (tell ‘em how bad it is), convince the great unwashed that you have the answer. Say whatever you must to sell the administration's program. If you have to, scare hell out of the citizenry by telling ‘em what will happen if they don't buy in. Offer to double the offer if they act right now.
Like ShamWow Vance, Obama is effective talking and hawking. He's even got a few folks convinced that ObamaCare and the Great Obama Windmill and Solar Panel Factory will enable high-quality, free healthcare for all, create the jobs we need and enable energy independence down the road. Problem is, despite the fact that the ideas sounded good while he was campaigning (can you say "selling" boys and girls?), when reality meets rhetoric, even the democrats are finding that the basis for Obama's plans are hopelessly flawed.
In the meantime, like old Billy and Vance, Obama is still out there pitching.As Obama is yet to figure out, there's a big difference between campaigning and governing; an even bigger difference between governing and leading. With each day that passes he's losing support faster than a amateur stripper loses her clothes. Matter of fact, while the rest of us look on - and some of us snicker - he's rapidly become the fairy tale Emperor with No Clothes.
Times are tough. We need a brilliant bipartisan leader to clean things up; not a ShamWow shyster. Before he tries once more to see how his BS plays in Peoria, perhaps someone should tell the dude he has the freakin' job!